Hello Darling, and welcome back.
May I be honest with you for a moment? Yes? Gut...then let us be on with it. Before I say anything, please know that I tell you this not because I am longing for sympathy or attention, but because I know that some of you can relate, and I want to offer what I have discovered. My heart has been broken. The real, painful, breath-stealing kind of broken and the source of this pain was not one that I would ever expect. For the past couple of months, I have been struggling. I have felt lonely, and unpursued by my friends and family... but especially by God. Particularly by God. As many of you know, I value my relationship with God very highly. He is someone I spend lots of time talking to, and thinking about. I love seeing the beauty of this world and knowing that there is a creator that cared enough to design such magnificently special things. Lately though, He has been silent. I have called and called, and called to Him... and it has felt like my cries did nothing but bounce back like echoes on a canyon wall. The chaos in my heart and mind that normally is handled with Him became unbearable. Like a crowd rioting in my head. I could not be still... Could not be quiet. The one that people say should be the passionate lover of my soul seems to be doing all He can to passionately ignore me...but not just ignore me... completely abandon me. It was like I had been walking with Him in a beautiful city, and He had found the one dark alley and dumped me there, without telling me where he was going or when He would be back. The most miserable weeks of my life...and I am not entirely sure what to do. Now, do not hear me saying that He absolutely is not here, or that I do not think that He knows what I am going through, but I will be honest in saying that I do not understand why He is doing what He is doing. It is possible that I am in the place of Job and this is a test of my Faith and love. It is possible that He is trying to reveal to me a different way in which He is trying to communicate that I am not seeing, and it is possible that I am just thickheaded and cannot hear anything... But I do know that it is ever so painful, and frustrating. Some things that I have learned thus far in this time are these... 1. I am alive 2. There is beauty 3. I need to keep loving I am alive. I am a living, breathing woman... and according to John chapter one, I am living because Jesus Christ has said it is so "In Him was life, and the life was the light of men..." There is a reason that I am alive... Even when my heart is hurting, and I am left gasping for air through tears, the grace is given to me to live, inherently giving an immense purpose to my existence. There is beauty. Oh there is so much beauty. No matter how dark my heart, the light of the sun remains brilliantly glorious. No matter how distorted my vision becomes, the roses in my window remain lovely. My dear, I believe that beauty is part of God's gift to sustain us when we are broken. It reminds us that there is hope, and love, and goodness remaining even while our emotions rage. I need to keep loving. So many times over the past weeks I have felt a bitterness start to creep into my heart, a callous hardness that threatens to overwhelm me, but I cannot surrender to it!! I cannot allow myself to stop loving...because life is meaningless without love. I was made for love (1 Cor 13) I cannot isolate myself and run from tenderness because the prayers and care of others and the care for them is like a lifeline reminding me that there is more. More than my sadness, more than myself. You are alive. There is beauty. And you need to keep loving. When you are in pain, these things are true. When you are deeply joyful, these things are true. Hold them tightly and keep running after Him, the keeper, lover, and dreamer of your soul. He is there, somewhere... and He promises to show up when He is sought after with all of the heart, and He will be. I am still seeking, still waiting, but I will never stop looking.
2 Comments
Susan Albert
5/8/2018 09:56:56 am
Oh, Abbey, I have been there as well over the years and from time to time. Satan would love to defeat you by telling you that you are not worthy or that you have done something terribly wrong, etc, etc. Don't listen to those voices. We do need to search our hearts honestly and openly before the Lord and then surrender to His work and His timing. I still do not have friends who pursue me. I have longed for that best buddy, but it has not happened in a Loooooooong time. I pursue other people because if I feel this way they probably do as well. Some people see me as too busy to bother. Well, I have found wonder satisfaction in reaching out to others. I do pray for you often but will pray specifically for you in this. Have you started reading Captivating? That book might help??!! (:
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Abbey Sutton
5/8/2018 09:59:57 am
Thank you so much for this. I have started and made it most of the way through Captivating and it has been a life changer. I love it. Thank you for your prayers!!!!
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